Jackie Shonerd considers herself a workaholic. But as a single divorcee with three children -- ages 27, 17, and 7 -- she's latched on to a new mission: learning how to flirt. "I had this realization a couple of months ago. I needed a social life," says Shonerd, a consultant and teacher trainer in conflict resolution for the Oakland Unified School District in Northern California. After three book purchases on the topic, she's flashing a lot more teeth.

    Now when Shonerd bumps into a colleague at the coffee machine, she extends her conversations. She shares more news. Cracks a joke. And smiles more at the opposite sex. Before, she seldom strayed off the business agenda. Now, Shonerd is more relaxed in mixed company -- on and off the job. Moreover, she appreciates the insights and opportunities that have abounded from such gestures. "I had it all backwards. I thought flirting was to get someone to notice me. Now I realize it's making another person feel appreciated."

    By contrast, Vince Takeuchi knows exactly when he's flirting. As a senior associate at Irvine,

    California-based Hogan Roy Partners -- a landscape, architecture, and planning firm -- he frequently works with women on various design teams. "I go out of my way to be extra charming," he says. "Sometimes, I compliment the other person. But it's not appropriate when you don't mean it and the other person isn't receptive. Flirtation is a two-way thing. You have to use your intuition. It should be a win-win."

    Indeed, when flirting is mentioned you get several reactions. Some break into immediate smiles. Others don a frown. Or bristle with insecurity and doubt. It all depends on one's definition and perceptions. For example, according to one dictionary, flirting is defined as " making playful romantic or sexual overtures." If you adopt that definition, you probably view flirting as manipulative, dishonest, and attention-getting -- if not risky business at work. And with good reason. Once a smile is accompanied by a roving eye, hasn't flirting gone too far? And when a groping hand accompanies a roving eye, isn't it time to call the company lawyer?

    Clearly, the line between flirting and sexual harassment is paper-thin. But as with any risk, HR can still help define the parameters of fun and responsibility. Just ask Jill Spiegel, an avowed flirtologist and consultant for Fortune 500 companies, who exudes confidence about the lighter side of human behavior. Flirting, says Spiegel, founder of Minneapolis-based Goal Getters and author of Flirting for Success (http://www.flirtnow.com/), can bring humor back into cross-gender or same-sex communications at work. How? By redefining the term as "building your self-esteem and others' by creating sincere rapport." In other words, HR doesn't only have to train managers about the liabilities of social encounters. Flirting in the new millennium can still be fun -- and legally safe.

A new emotional landscape
    If the name Shere Hite sounds familiar, think back to 1976. Hite, a feminist and gender expert who is the author of The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality, has dramatically changed how Americans view sex, relationships, friends, and the family. Her first book was published in 16 languages and named to the London Times' list of the top 100 books of the 20th century. (Her work often is mentioned in the company of The Kinsey Report and the research of William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson.)

    Nearly 25 years later, Hite has written a new book called Sex and Business (Financial Times, 2000). She believes that a completely different emotional-psychological landscape is emerging. Corporations in conflict primarily with women are becoming more evident in the news: Texaco pays $40 million to women for back pay and gender discrimination in a 1998 lawsuit; Toshiba pays $5 million in a sexual harassment lawsuit in 1999; 900 women at Merrill Lynch file claims of discrimination in a 1999 class-action lawsuit; and Monica Lewinsky makes headlines: "Was it sexual harassment or mutual consent?"

    "These cases are the tip of the iceberg of unresolved issues between women and men," says Hite, director of Hite Research International, a global consulting firm specializing in sexual ethics in the workplace. "Now, they're making their presence felt in a big way at work."

    What she discovered, she says, is that the issues of identity and psychology have come together in office relationships in a way no one would have predicted even 10 years ago. "Be friendly, don't be friendly, never flirt, don't take it seriously, go out for coffee, don't go out for coffee" ... what's right?

    "If you're confused, you're not alone," she says. "The workplace today offers a great opportunity for people to break old patterns of relationships and create new ones. It's now a question of transforming relationships in a way we've never done before."

    Hite opposes the notion of companies banning romance and flirting. Some executives, she says, believe that the way to avoid any whiff of sexual harassment is to declare the workplace off-limits to any acknowledgment of the gender of the opposite sex, from dating to forming sexually intimate relationships.

    But such beliefs are naïve, she says. "There's a fundamental difference between sexual attraction and sexual harassment. Attraction is something that can be expressed in a thousand ways. Harassment is something an individual knows very well is intimidating, but carries on anyway. It's done to ‘prove a point.'"

    Companies that try to ban flirtation or romance will only be fooling themselves. "It's merely temporarily pushing the situation under the rug." Employees will feel lonely and alienated from their company's asocial culture, especially the increasing number of today's single employees, nearing 50 percent.

    Safe flirting, however, can improve your company's social cohesion and contribute to a more relaxed work environment. Here's how.

View it as a communications and life tool
    Flirting, says Spiegel, seems to come easiest with one's best friends, family, mates, even one's neighbors. So why can't your colleagues and employees create this type of bond with more people at work?

    They can.

    As with any other skill, individuals can learn to build rapport. The basics are what Spiegel calls "Flirting Fundamentals." There are nine attributes she teaches in order to build a sincere and warm rapport:

• Eye contact: It you want to create instant interest with someone, look him or her right in the eye. In addition to the self-esteem that we gain from using eye contact, we also become better listeners.

• Good listening: When you truly listen to another person, you are bestowing one of the greatest gifts -- respect.

• Asking questions: When you ask people questions about themselves, their interests and opinions, you make them feel appreciated. Can you think of anyone who doesn't want to feel like that at work?

• Exuding confidence: Sixty percent of communication is non-verbal, which means that people form opinions about someone based on what they see -- how one carries him or herself, dresses, and uses facial expressions.

• Showing humor: One doesn't have to tell a joke in order to show a sense of humor. You can laugh at others' humor or just find something humorous in every situation. Humor can be acquired by looking at the bright side of situations. Good flirts laugh a lot.

• Being honest: In addition to telling the truth, another way to show honesty in a relationship is to keep your word. One of the best assets is showing the vulnerable side of oneself to others.

• Liking and respecting people: In the world of people skills, good flirts know the importance of liking and respecting all people. Conversely, people who live in judgment of others tend to be very poor flirts. The more people you meet, the more you increase your chances of getting business.

• Showing a positive attitude: The more you practice positive language, the more of a habit it becomes. One benefit is that you actually feel more positive.

• Being an attractive person: Being "attractive" is whatever that means to you. The point is, when you feel good, you look good, and the inner peace that you feel inside radiates out.

    Spiegel says that many individuals flirt more than they realize. "Everybody has a great flirt inside them." To prove it, she often begins her corporate training seminars with an icebreaker. Participants are asked to flirt with the person sitting next to them. After a few minutes, she witnesses group laughter, eye contact, storytelling, jokes, and hugs.

    "Anybody can do -- shy or outgoing. I try to help people see how dynamic they are inside," she says.

    Debbie Thompson, administrative assistant in the food division of Minneapolis-based Dayton's, is one example. She participated in a three-day training called "Building a Winning Team." Spiegel spoke on the third day as a motivational speaker. Before the training, Thompson never thought about flirting. She viewed it as a way that individuals "picked up" potential mates.

    But at the training, she learned otherwise. "Flirting makes you feel more comfortable around others and them around you." Her division managers, she says, have since learned how to compliment customers, rather than just say, "What can I get for you today?"

    And Thompson? "I've used all of those flirting fundamentals. I could never go back to how I was before," she says.

    In terms of cultural diversity, what some may perceive as a shy individual may flirt in more subtle ways. For example, Takeuchi works with several colleagues who emigrated from Korea and Vietnam.

    "They seem shy and not expressive. But I could be missing a lot," he observes. On the other hand, another colleague -- a Japanese male from Sao Paulo -- seems more accustomed to flirting. "He's more jazzy. I call him my ‘samba' colleague. With flirting, if you have fear of failing, then you shouldn't do it."

    Susan G. Rabin agrees. A communications consultant and director of New York City-based Dynamic Communications, Inc. (http://www.schoolofflirting.com/), she says, "Men of Brazilian and other Latin American backgrounds seem less concerned with rejection than their American male counterparts. Flirting does involve emotional risk. But as long as one avoids sexual innuendos and behavior, two individuals can interact in a healthy and playful way," she says.

    After overcoming "seriosity" years ago, Rabin served as the Family Living/Sex Coordinator for the New York City Board of Education. In 1984, she was asked to teach a class on ‘flirting.' "I laughed. Doesn't everybody just do that naturally?" she responded. Apparently not. "The sexual revolution was on, and the women's liberation movement was screaming. So flirting went out of style."

    The problem today -- even with the importance of sexual harassment issues -- is that "We suffer from the disease of seriosity," says Rabin. "We need to lighten up."

    She and Spiegel have observed that technology has opened up even more opportunities for flirts. Before, flirting was confined to phone and face-to-face contact, whereas today, employees can develop flirtatious relationships online. It's allowed people to write letters again, via e-mail, to learn how to turn a phrase, says Rabin. When asked if she flirts, she responded, "I flirt all the time. It's part of who I am."

    In the world of business, however, flirting is a lost art, she says. Many suffer for the faults of a few. By viewing it differently, HR can add a positive twist to one's communications training programs. "It's the career skill that's not what you think," says Spiegel. Building rapport can be safe -- and engaging. Key word: respect.

Workforce, June 2000, pp. 129-133 -- Subscribe now!